How to Get Out of Your Own Way Read online

  I am not telling you to quit or give up on every one of your relationships. It’s up to each and every one of us to decide for ourselves which friendships are worth saving. Weigh the pros and cons, decide if the positives outweigh the negatives and reconfigure your circle.

  I found that having the right people in my life has made me happier. You have to create a happy environment for yourself, so that person you don’t trust or like, who irritates you or annoys you, puts you down or stresses you out, has got to go. You have control of your environment. Situations will come up that you have no control over, but the people in your life can make a difference in your weathering the storm. You can’t control when the storm gets here, but the right circle can help you get through it.

  Chapter 5

  Why Do Men (and Some Women) Cheat?

  I want to take women on a little journey into the minds of most men. I’m going to keep it real with you, even though some of you aren’t going to like what I have to say. Think of me as a big brother who has to keep it real with his little sister. I’m sure some of the guys reading this will get mad at me, because I’m exposing the things we sometimes do as men. I want you to understand why some men will cheat, how some men think, and our motivation when we decide to cheat on our girls. Let me help take the blindfolds off so you can stop playing clueless, and instead of freaking out and blaming yourself, you can keep your emotions intact. I hope that with the information I’m going to tell you, you can be prepared and make a controlled decision about your relationship.

  There are a lot of different views and perspectives on what people consider cheating. One woman who was married for thirty years told me that sleeping with someone else is not cheating until you’re married—but once you make a vow, it’s a sin to cheat on your wife. Another woman said it didn’t matter if she’s married or not—if she’s in a relationship and her man cheats on her, that’s wrong and disrespectful and it hurts.

  Is there a law of what cheating is? Everyone has a different perspective on it. Oscar-winning actress Mo’Nique shocked the world when she said that she doesn’t want to cheat on her husband, but that he could have sex outside their marriage. Some women might explain that their husbands love sex all day, every day but they are not so sexually active—they don’t want to have sex four or five times a day—so they let their husbands go out and do whatever they want. No two situations are the same.

  A woman usually won’t cheat on a man because she has much more self-control. It’s not standard for a woman to cheat on her man, because most women have been programmed throughout their childhood to be a one-man woman. We’re two different species; a woman’s upbringing and the circumstances that informed her morals, standards, and integrity as a woman are much different than a man’s. At the end of the day, it’s expected that a man will cheat on a woman, but it’s not expected that a woman will cheat on a man. Growing up, that’s what I saw: Women wouldn’t even cheat on the men that dogged them out. They would stay loyal and dedicated and determined to make it work.

  A lot of us were programmed from conversations with our homeys throughout our childhood, adolescence, high school and college years that it’s not just about the quality of women you get with—what she looks like or how hot she is—but the quantity of women you have sex with. That’s what it boils down to—that’s where guys get props. Meanwhile, women get scrutinized for having sex with a bunch of guys. They get called hos, tramps, hood rats. If they want to wild out, they pretty much can’t because society chastises them. If a woman at college has sex with five or six different guys at the same school—even after a long period of time—and the word gets out, people will probably look at her as a ho and talk about her. But if a man has sex with five or six different women in one month on the same campus, he’ll get all the props and love from everybody.

  Marriage doesn’t stop some guys from being curious about other women. My feeling is that you have to be honest about who you are and the way you feel and you have to put how you want the relationship to be on the table. It might hurt, but you have to allow a woman to make her own decision about how the relationship will proceed.

  First Things First

  Unfortunately, ladies, a lot of the ideals your mama instilled in you about what you need to do to keep a man are not necessarily true. If a man’s going to cheat, there is nothing you can do about it. If a man’s gonna cheat, a man’s gonna cheat.

  I’m not speaking for all men, but I’m speaking for a lot of guys I know. When a man cheats, there are usually no emotions attached to it. When a man decides to cheat he’s just thinking in the moment: That’s a badass woman right there, she’s sexy, she’s giving me some energy, I’m ready to smash. And just as easily as you can take off your shoes, that’s how easy it is for him to go and make it happen. Most men don’t operate from the space of morals and values or emotions. He’ll just do his thing and keep it moving. It’s sad and messed-up and unfortunate if he has a woman at home, but that’s how easy it is. Does guilt set in? Yes. When a man gets home and looks his woman in the eyes and she’s happy to see him when he’s done dirty by her, the guilt can eat him up inside. But it never stops a guy from doing the shit again.

  Usually women can’t really understand that because for most women, having sex is so much more personal because a man is going inside of you—that’s way more intimate and way more intrusive compared to a man, who can do it, pull up his pants, and go home.

  Women shouldn’t take personal offense if a man cheats, because it’s not necessarily about them—it’s most men’s biology. A woman should not think that a man is doing all these things based on what she’s not. I hope to create a safety net for women because I understand that they will drive themselves crazy trying to figure out what they did wrong and how to make a man stop cheating on them. Women will own the cheat, beat themselves up about it, and pick themselves apart, even though they couldn’t have done anything to stop him.

  I’m not speaking for all men, but the general consensus is that he’s not thinking, She doesn’t cook well, so I’m going to see somebody else, or She’s got a nice body but her hair is all wrong, so I’m going to see somebody else. A guy usually doesn’t think about that type of stuff. There are some people who do compare women but the general consensus is, if he’s going to do it, he’s going to do it. There are a lot of really perfect women out there who know they’re perfect and whose men know they’re perfect and they are still being cheated on. Even when you have a one-stop shop at home, if he’s still going to go and get off, that’s what he’s going to decide to do.

  Sometimes when a relationship doesn’t work we become insecure, telling ourselves that being a good person didn’t pay off in the end. I’ve heard several women say the same thing when they find out their man is cheating on them: I cook, I clean, I wash his dirty drawers, I take care of the house and the kids, so why would he cheat on me? Don’t think any less of yourself because of what a man does on his own. It’s not going to feel good when you find out, but it has nothing to do with what you’re not doing or the fact that you could improve in any area. I want women to stop owning the fact that their man was cheating. Stop owning it, stop feeling like it’s your fault or you could have done something any differently than what you were doing.

  Men Cheat for Different Reasons

  Cheating is fun for most, because getting away with that sneaky sex takes the sex to another level. I’ll never forget the girl who confessed to me that she was a thief—and this was a pretty wealthy girl, too. She told me she used to steal anything; whenever she would go to somebody’s house, she would go into the host’s bathroom to find something she could steal. She said it got to a point where it became like a sickness, that it wasn’t about what she was stealing. She didn’t need any of the stuff she took—if she wanted, she could afford to buy whatever she was stealing. It was the rush of the steal that made her do it. Some people get that same rush from cheating. Sneaking around and getting away with it is exciting. It�
�s a problem for men who are out cheating and doing whatever they’re doing behind their girl’s back and they can’t stop themselves. Some guys get a rush from sneaking around and coming back home like nothing ever happened—it’s like they have an alter ego and are living a double life.

  Men have different motivations for playing the field. How far he’ll go to maintain having all these beautiful women depends on whether he’s used to dealing with women or not.

  I know this will be hard for some of you to imagine, but anyone who knew me growing up will tell you that I was the ugly duckling who turned into a swan. People have this image in their head that I’m some sexy dude with the muscles and water dripping down him in the videos. But back then, my only way of getting attention was by being funny. I never pulled women when I was younger, or ever remotely heard the words “handsome,” “sexy,” “attractive.” Once I got the Coke commercial and made my first video and all these girls started calling me sexy, it surprised all my friends and everybody who knew me growing up. They couldn’t wrap their heads around the sexy image of me, and I couldn’t either. When I started making some money and grew into my looks and was getting more attention from women, I was wilding out and doing my thing. It was almost like the other feeling I had after growing up broke, without a penny to my name: Once I started making money I was buying anything anywhere, as if I was trying to make up for all the years I couldn’t buy anything. The same thing happens with the guy who didn’t have any confidence or didn’t hear he was attractive all his life. When he finally starts getting girls and growing into his sex appeal he may feel the need to get that out of his system and have some fun. That’s what happened with me: I did my thing for years but calmed down as I got older. I’m now in a different space and more mature; I don’t feel the need to wild out. Becoming a father definitely had something to do with it. I love women, but the aggressive urge to have sex with more and more women is not there as much as it used to be because I got a lot out of my system.

  A cheater is a cheater, whether he’s used to spending time with beautiful women or not. If he’s going to go with another woman outside the girl he’s in a committed relationship with, then that’s just what he’s going to do.

  A man who is used to being with beautiful women is much more comfortable being around them and won’t feel like he needs to get with every woman he meets. He is conditioned to it and treats everyone the same and doesn’t tolerate the stupid shit. If he’s one of those guys with a little money, career, good looks, swag, and the gift of the gab, if he’s more of a Romeo, he’s not trying to set women up to let them down and disappoint them, he’s just kind of doing his thing, and keeping it moving. A man may have confidence, a swagger, and energy about him that attracts beautiful women, so it becomes a lifestyle that he’s conditioned to.

  For men who are used to dealing with beautiful women it’s not only about the external. He may still deal with a bunch of different women who are all sexy and beautiful and attractive but it’s not about proving it to himself or to others.

  A man who is used to being around beautiful women is going to see things clearly for what they are. If you think of it as though a beautiful woman is a celebrity and men are her fans, it’s not a realistic relationship. If a guy isn’t used to hanging with these “celebrities,” then to him a beautiful woman can do no wrong. She can say or do whatever she wants because he doesn’t want to piss her off and make her run away; he is afraid of losing this sexy woman because he didn’t believe he could get her in the first place. Like a groupie, he is starstruck and caught up in the idea of who he’s with, how beautiful or sexy she is—her “fame.” But when a guy is used to dealing with or being around “stars,” he comes to see them as normal. He’s able to keep it real and tell them the truth about their attitude.

  Some guys have no confidence. These guys will either cheat to try and prove to themselves or their friends that they can get more women, or they will stick like glue to the woman they have because they’re afraid they will never be able to get another woman.

  There are a lot of men in relationships with beautiful women they can’t stand, but they don’t even realize that they’re with that woman just for her pretty face. He may not think he can get another woman who looks like her, so he’s going to hold on to this woman for dear life. He loves the feeling of walking into a room and having his boys and all his people reacting to how sexy and fine his girlfriend is and the fact that he was able to pull her off. He can’t stand her, they don’t have anything in common, they don’t have great chemistry, but she’s so sexy that she can torment him; she can torture him because he’s not going anywhere. These are the superficial, external things that a lot of guys are not even conscious of.

  A man who is not used to dealing with women may go and cheat on you—and may try to make that other woman feel as special as he’s making you feel, because he feels like he needs to cling to as many women as possible. He may get greedy and over the top, making promises and telling lies and scheduling cheats. He will try to hold on to every little piece of something he can get ahold of and make every one of them think they’re number one.

  I don’t respect a man who is in a relationship and hanging out with five or six different women, trying to make each of them feel like they’re his number one and none of them knows about the others. I don’t respect that—never have, never will. If he’s ultimately going to cheat, he should get it over with and move on. He shouldn’t follow up with texts and e-mails, stringing several women along emotionally.

  Some guys feel like they need to get a lot out of their system, so they may run around trying to get with as many women as possible, even if that means cheating on their girlfriends. Men and women should try to have it all before they get married. When a guy is young and single he should do what he feels he has to do and go get it out of his system. A woman should want to marry somebody who’s lived, who’s been out there, because it kind of lowers the chance of his going nuts and feeling like he missed out on everything later on. Is this the ultimate answer to stopping a man from cheating on you after he gets married? No—it’s not the be-all and end-all, and there is still no guarantee that he’ll be focused. But it will at least calm him down a lot, and if he’s not running around chasing girls, the chances of his cheating are slim to none.

  For all the ladies that are reading this, I don’t want to paint the picture that there are no good men left and that every man in the world needs to have sex with multiple women in order for them to never cheat on you after they get married. There are a lot of great men out there who are not into extracurricular sexual activity with multiple women. I want to let you know that those types of guys are out there.

  Affection and Attention

  I had a conversation with a guy who told me he was married for more than fifteen years. He was completely faithful and never cheated on his wife. He told me he used to wish he was her computer because she spent so much time working, consumed with everything she had going on, that he was completely ignored. He was suffering and it drove him nuts to the point where he had to get out of there.

  This guy didn’t cheat on his wife, but he’s not with her anymore, either. The point is, his wife never had sex with him. He would talk to her about it but nothing ever changed. In this particular situation, the wife wore the pants in the relationship. As he was more subservient, she pretty much knew that the last thing he would ever do is cheat on her, so she just took complete advantage of him. She basically kept her sex hostage, and held back sex to prove her point. When a woman doesn’t have any fear that her man will go out and cheat on her, I have to wonder how much advantage she will take of him emotionally. Most men in this guy’s situation probably would have sought out another woman. If you’re open and honest in your relationships—which I hope you are—then you have to really hear and respond to what your partner is telling you. A little affection and attention go a long way.

  I’ve heard married men say that they don’t know i
f they would have stayed married if it weren’t for their mistress on the side. One of the most common testimonies from some married men that I’ve had conversations with is, I am so married and I love my wife and I never want to not be married, but if it weren’t for this other woman on the side, I would have divorced my wife a long time ago, because I’m getting something from her that I’m not getting from my wife. One guy confessed to me that he doesn’t just have his mistress for sex; she also provides additional emotional support. Because after a certain point, with his words falling on his wife’s deaf ears, that other woman is helping him stay married. He explained that the other woman in his life allows him to tolerate his wife so much more, and that messed me up! He had been with this other woman for about ten years, so she was like his second wife. He told me that he loves his wife, the woman he is married to, but there is no way he would ever get rid of his mistress because he has an escape and an outlet. When he is stressed and miserable at home he goes to see his mistress and has a good time so when he gets home he doesn’t give a shit about what he and his wife are going through. This wasn’t a purely sexual relationship on his part; it was more psychological and emotional for him and I could see it in his eyes. Although this guy was open and honest with me about this other woman he has, I have to say that I don’t respect having a woman on the side for years, a woman who is basically a second wife.

  When guys cheat randomly it is usually not from an emotional impulse, but it does become more emotional if he’s married and has a long-term relationship with his mistress.