How to Get Out of Your Own Way Page 15

  I think a woman’s biggest disappointment at the end of the day is seeing the woman her man slept with. If they see her and she’s nothing special, it takes the pain to another level. What it boils down to is this: Sometimes if a man is cheating on you it’s just about sex, it’s not mental or emotional. It’s not really about how much sexier this side piece is compared to you. It could boil down to her capabilities, the sexual habits, or freaky behavior that you may not have. And so she may not look like the sexiest woman in the world, but her skills are on a whole other level compared to yours.

  Some guys decide to cheat because of what the other woman has. As crazy as this may sound, some guys in the hood want girls with the “good” hair, so they may cheat on their girlfriends just to be with these other girls. Some guys may decide to have a child with a woman just because she has good hair or a nice body and he wants to lock her down, to keep her in his life forever.

  No matter what, don’t own the cheat. Don’t try to degrade yourself or pick yourself apart or internalize or own a man’s choices. Don’t compare yourself to the other woman, because you’re never going to understand why he did it in the first place. And if she looks like nothing, you’re really not going to understand why he was willing to leave you and cheat on you. You’ll drive yourself crazy. There is no need to try and understand it all, you just have to be grateful that you found out about it when you did so you won’t be in the dark any longer.

  Anyone who goes through this—who discovers their man was cheating—is going to be distraught and have a meltdown. But when people show you who they really are, you have to believe it. If you’re in a relationship with someone who should have won an Oscar a long time ago because you didn’t get one inkling or feeling that there was anybody else in the picture, then that’s going to hurt, it’s going to hit you like a ton of bricks. But when you finish crying, get on your knees and pray and thank God that you found out about the situation when you did.

  Be a realist and get out of the emotional space. This is the reality of today’s man. A man’s responsibility is to paint a picture and really make you believe that you’re the only one. Our job is to make you feel secure in the relationship that you have. Unfortunately, he may be doing that with you and other people at the same time. If you are aware of this, then emotionally you can operate within that reality, instead of having it smack you in the face later, making you distraught.

  Monogamous Men Do Exist!

  Then there are the ideal husbands who have never cheated on their wives in their lives, and they’ve never wanted to, never attempted to, and never tried to, even though they’ve had ample opportunity. Unfortunately for our generation, we’re programmed by the images we see in magazines and on television. Cheating seems so normal, and yet while many men cheat, some men are monogamous. Men who stick with one woman—whether he’s married to her, engaged to her, or just in a long-term relationship with her—do exist. It’s sad to say that these guys are pretty hard to find these days. Today, sex is so heavily advertised and prevalent in the media, with reports about cheating celebrities and marriages breaking up, that it seems like marriage is not a big deal, that it’s easy to get married and get divorced soon after.

  There are great men out there with integrity and the spirit of marriage, who live up to the God-given commandments. My mentor and friend Rev. Run told me that he has never cheated on his wife; he explained to me that he would never want to answer to Jesus for cheating on his wife, so for him, it’s not even worth it. His commitment to God and his relationship with Jesus stops him from even thinking about it—and of course, he doesn’t want to let his wife down. It all depends on where you’re at and your perspective on life.

  Men have many different reasons for not cheating. One of my friends told me that he doesn’t cheat because he is deathly afraid of catching AIDS. One of his good friends died of the disease, so there is no way he could allow himself to be a loose cannon, even when he is surrounded by women who want to sleep with him.

  I’ll never forget chopping it up with this one musician I hired to play on an album. He had just finished touring throughout Brazil and I was telling him about the fun I had out there. I said to him, “Man, I know you got loose when you were in Brazil.” And with a straight face, looking at me directly in my eyes, with so much conviction he said, “No, I just got my wife.” It was as if I had offended him because I had assumed that he was like other men who were married and would at least occasionally do stuff with other women. Now, this surprised me, because it’s unusual for me to hear a guy say that he’s just got his wife. It’s so uncommon to hear a married man talk about being with just one woman that it threw me that this guy was not even remotely entertaining the idea of cheating. Because when men start shucking and jivin’ and talking that type of talk, even married men tend to chime in and talk about what they’re doing and who they’re messing with. Then he said, “You know what’s interesting, Tyrese? You know what I love the most? I love that I still like her. I love that I still like my wife.” This guy just crushed me because he represents the rare breed of man who’s married and actually sticks to the commitments through the word of God, through thick and thin, till death do us part.

  There are plenty of men who don’t cheat on the women they’re with and they’re very comfortable with not cheating. They are out there for sure, and women should know that they exist.

  My Number One Rule

  As much as you would like to try to control a man, if he decides to do something behind your back, you really can’t control him.

  But this is my Number One Rule: A woman should make her man feel comfortable with telling her the truth about any and all things he has going on in his life. This will be the best for your relationship as far as being honest goes and it should be implemented with every aspect of what you’re trying to get from your man when it comes to honesty.

  When a woman suspects her man of cheating, withholding information, or having secrets about family or business matters, STDs, or past relationships—your first mission as a woman in your man’s life should be to make him feel comfortable with telling you the truth and trying your best to keep your emotions intact. Women seem to be the victim of not getting the truth more often than men—that’s just my general feeling. Unfortunately, even if you listen to my guidance on this matter and make them feel comfortable telling you the truth, some guys are not going to tell you the truth regardless.

  The right responses and reactions will create a comfort zone for someone to tell you the truth. When a woman suspects something and comes at her man screaming and getting all emotional and loud, she’s already breaking down, so why would he be honest with her? If she’s already distraught and making it clear that her world just came crumbling down, a man won’t feel comfortable telling his woman the truth. He’s going to feel more comfortable with lying.

  He wants to keep you happy, and keeping you happy sometimes means not telling you the truth. I said something similar in the movie Baby Boy: “I’m out in these streets every day telling these hos the truth. I lie to you because I care about your feelings.” That’s real talk!

  So when your man comes clean with you, don’t be insecure, don’t be evil, don’t get messed-up, because if you make him feel uncomfortable after he tells you the truth and you decide to stay with him, you better believe there’s a strong chance he’s not going to tell you the truth ever again because of the way you responded. For most men, telling the truth is the easy part. It’s your response that can discourage a man from wanting to tell you the truth. Most men would say that women want the truth but they really can’t handle it because of the way most women respond to a man telling her about whatever may be going on in his life.

  Your guy could be out on the streets telling another woman the truth about what’s going on with him because that other woman is making him feel comfortable telling the truth. That other woman knows what’s going on—she may have a man, too. Make your man feel comfortable with tell
ing you the truth so you will have the facts and be more empowered and in control.

  Take note: Men also have to make women feel comfortable with telling them the truth. There are plenty of controlling and insecure guys who want to hear the truth and then flip out when they hear it.

  Being more honest became my goal after I got out of my marriage. I made a commitment that I was not going to hurt another woman if I could avoid it—I was going to make an effort to keep negativity and dysfunction away from my relationships.

  When I was fresh out of my marriage and started dating different women, I decided to be completely honest and put it all on the table. I told the women I was dating that I was alone and not ready to settle down again. I let them know if I was seeing another woman at the same time and that at any point if she decided she was not cool with not being the only one and wanted to move on, I’d respect it. I allowed both women to make a decision whether to stay in the relationship or not. By telling them where they stood in my life I was giving them control and allowing them to commit to taking on any and every thing that comes with being with me. If they wanted to walk away they could, and I respected that.

  Ultimately, I was out of a marriage and wasn’t in the spirit of wanting to settle down or get right back into a serious relationship—I was alone, wanted some company, wanted someone to talk to, and it happened to be that I was enjoying the energy of two different women. Out of respect for them, I wanted to give them the heads-up that I was seeing other people so that they could decide on their own if they wanted to keep hanging out with me. I’m not justifying it and I’m not saying it’s okay, but what I am saying is, I know how to treat a woman with respect. A woman will have to decide if she wants to go out with a man who is not being honest or up-front about their relationship, or be with a man who tells her the truth, so that nothing catches her off guard, and she’ll be treated with the utmost respect while they’re together. Ultimately, neither one of those women wanted to share me—they wanted me all to themselves—but they had to decide, If I leave Tyrese, am I gonna be sharing a man with other women and not know about it, or be with a man who is more up-front about it? Things didn’t work out with one of the ladies but we’re still good friends to this day and she told me that she would always respect me for being so honest with her.

  I’m trying to help the women I’m with be more empowered by telling them where I’m at. Be honest and put all your shit on the table. Don’t rob a woman of the opportunity to decide what she wants to do. When she’s in the dark, she’s not allowed to make a decision. She’s not in control of her environment if she doesn’t know all the facts.

  Guys should try their best to be honest about what they’re doing. It sounds a little unrealistic—most guys would probably say Why the hell would I tell my girl that I’m sleeping with other people when I know it’s going to hurt her feelings? She won’t trust me, she won’t want to be with me. But you have to be honest if you’re trying to do what I’m trying to do at this point in my life, which is not contribute to another heartache and not try to hurt or disappoint another woman.

  Before I finish, I already know what some of you women are thinking. You would never agree to be one of two women who are seeing the same man. But the truth is, most of you already are—the difference is, he doesn’t have enough respect for you to tell you that you’re one of two.

  Most women who are dating “eligible bachelors” are more than likely going to be one of two or three. The difference is, those men won’t make you aware of it. They will not allow a woman to make a decision about what she wants or doesn’t want in her life. They will keep their girlfriends in the dark.

  I have a great deal of respect for women with a high tolerance for bullshit, women who can put up with a lot and take a lot. When my ex-wife and I were in the early stages of our relationship, I was still dating other women. She told me it was all right, that I would grow out of it. She’s from Europe, where sex is not as big of a deal as it is here in the U.S., but that was still a very realistic and mature response. It didn’t mean that she loved herself any less—and it didn’t mean I respected her any less.

  Respect has no rules. Every person’s definition of disrespect is different. When a guy in a relationship has sex with another woman, it does not mean he doesn’t respect his girlfriend. If his girlfriend is aware of what he’s doing, then she has to be able to decide whether she is cool with it or not. If she has a problem with it, then obviously she should make it really clear to her boyfriend. The day she decides to throw in the towel, she’s done. Some women who find out their man is cheating complain about it, but they stay in the relationship, so their complaints have no ground. But if a woman has no idea her man is getting with another woman, she’s not on solid ground, either—she’s not the full master of her environment.

  You can and should establish honesty at the beginning of the relationship. If you make him feel uncomfortable about telling you the truth, you’re planting negative seeds early on that could predict the outcome of your relationship.

  When I first met the last woman I dated, I looked her in the eyes, and said, “There’s something really magical about you and I hope that I’m able to discover all of these things. But I wanna tell you something. I’m a very honest man. Sometimes I tell the truth and it may make you uncomfortable, because I’m bold in my truth. And the day that you make me feel uncomfortable with telling you the truth will be the beginning of the end of us. I would rather build this relationship on the foundation of difficult truth than plant seeds of deceit and grow a tree of lies and disrespect. That tree will grow but it will die eventually.”

  Let me give you another example: A while ago I had a business lunch with a woman who has been with her man for a few years. She said to me, “If my boyfriend knew I was having lunch with you, he would have wanted to come here and sit on the other side of the room while we were having our meeting.” I was surprised because this was a business meeting. Clearly, neither of them had planted the seeds in their relationship to build trust. She allowed herself to create the kind of relationship with a man where she couldn’t tell him the truth about what she was doing because of the way he was going to react and respond. She allowed that type of suspicion in her relationship, and her boyfriend was playing it.

  This woman was also preventing her career from growing because her man was so insecure and on top of her about everything and had his own trust issues. You have to get to a point in your relationship where no flirtatious remark, no gesture another man or woman makes toward your partner, will allow them to pull focus from you.

  I told this woman that she was slackin’ on her pimpin’. Now, I don’t want the word “pimpin’ ” to be taken out of context—it’s about growing your opportunities. There are very talented women out there who could have more opportunities, but they’re at home because their men are insecure and have conquered them and made them feel discouraged about going out and being seen, networking, and socializing. Their man is threatened by the presence of other men, especially successful men. Men get threatened by emotional access and know how to say and do all the right shit. So these women don’t grow their business. Opportunities don’t come from your sitting at home—you’ve got to hustle! The lack of honesty in this woman’s relationship was keeping her from controlling her environment.

  I told her, “My approach to business is, out of sight, out of mind. If you don’t get on people’s radars and in their faces with your brand, image, or ideas, they will never consider things or people they don’t know about.” This woman had met her boyfriend while she was doing her thing, but he was talking her out of being who she wanted to be. If a woman allows that, men will succeed in conquering her. When a man is putting that much emphasis on what you’re doing, he may be trying to overshadow what he’s doing. He may be making her nervous about every move she makes just so she can stop paying attention to whatever he’s doing on the side.

  If you keep things aboveboard and honest, then there
will be no room for any antics or suspicion. Plant the seeds of honesty in your relationship early on.

  Women Are Much Better Cheaters Than Men

  A lot of the reasons why women cheat could be the same reasons why men cheat—they’re looking for the attention or affection that they’re not getting from the man they decided to be with. Generally for women, it’s more emotional. Their man might not compliment them or touch them. He may not be nurturing or stimulating her mentally.

  Some women think, My husband is so busy, he’s consumed with what he’s doing, but I want some attention and something wild in my life, so they schedule time when the other guy can get her right.

  Many women are much better at cheating than men can ever be because their whole thing is premeditated, whereas for most men, our cheating happens in the moment. Some dudes need to leave cheating alone because of what I call the “Popcorn Rule.” A lot of guys think they’re being slick but they leave popcorn kernels down the hallway so it’s easy for women to pick them up and eventually find the whole bag. One of my mentors told me that if you’re not good at something leave it alone. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and today’s women are really smart.

  Women are more detailed. They come up with a real plan. They know how to clean up all their tracks. Sure, some women are sloppy and get caught, but it seems to me that for many women, cheating is premeditated—so well planned out that their man will never know. I had dinner one night with a girl who told me she’s cheated on each of her last five boyfriends and none of them knew. She told me this comfortably and had no problem with it. A woman will know when her man is out of town and she will know when he’s getting back in town. She knows his schedule, and she makes it all happen around that. It might be more dishonest than just a onetime thing, but I can’t make any call on that.