How to Get Out of Your Own Way Read online

  I’m not here to say that everything you think and do is wrong, and that I’m Mr. Perfect. As you will see, I am anything but perfect. I continue to learn new things every day. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks; I don’t believe that. I believe that the best thing you can ever do for yourself is allow your spirit to stay open to all possibilities and try to consider new things without limiting yourself to only what you know and are comfortable with. Your life should be an ongoing and growing process.

  Now that you are reading this book I want to officially welcome you to the Love Circle. With all that out of the way, let’s get it started, shall we?

  A Message to Our Youth

  I’m well aware of my influence now and I don’t take it lightly. I want you to really listen to what I’m about to say. This is not just another book. I’m going to try and make you aware of things that are around the corner long before you get there. I want you to trust and believe that I know what I’m talking about. I don’t know it all, but what I do know, I’m sharing with you. I’m hoping to make you aware of things that your father, your big brother, or even your mother may not have told you.

  Throughout this book I’ll be sharing some stories about how I became the master of my environment. Even if you’re a teenager you can be the master of your environment and the master of your own future, and I want that for you. Everything in your life should be about moving forward and progressing toward what you imagine for yourself. So if you don’t like your environment, change it. If you don’t like your circumstances, change them. Do whatever you have to do to create a better mind-set for yourself.

  Part of that is worrying about yourself—or rather, focusing on yourself. Sometimes we get so focused on other people, like a boyfriend or girlfriend, that we can’t see ourselves clearly. I want you to concentrate on your own goals before thinking about someone else’s. Dropping out is not an option, so you have to stay focused on school, and if your friends are leading you down the wrong path, surround yourself with a better circle of friends.

  When I was younger, I wanted better for myself. I worked my butt off and went to high school early every day and graduated in three years. It wasn’t that I was without pressures. I had to grow up quickly and most likely you do, too. I knew early on, when I was eight or nine, that people around me were selling drugs and I saw the lifestyle the drug dealers had, compared to mine. I was poor and hungry and they had nice cars, brand-new shoes, and T-shirts. They were living in a nice spot with furniture, and I knew that all those things didn’t come from having a regular job. Everybody in the hood knew that money came from dudes slinging dope, weed, and sherm.

  Now, people weren’t trying to pressure me or talk me into selling crack or weed. I don’t remember any of my boys saying Yo, you wanna get some money? You need to come do this! No one said that to me, but being exposed to all that stuff was still peer pressure. Seeing images like those, when you’re in the situation I was, can make any man or adolescent decide they want to mess with that so they can get money while they’re in high school. They want and need money to buy a car, some nice clothes so they can impress the girls at school, or just want to have money for lunch or a bus token, instead of being out there hungry and broke.

  But I remember purposely deciding that even though all that stuff looked cool, even though I had seen tons of money counted in front of me and the financial benefits of selling drugs and weed, I also knew that some of my boys were going to jail and a lot of dudes in my neighborhood were having their houses raided for drug money. Something in my mind told me to stay away from it.

  Don’t get caught up in all your friends’ stuff. If all your friends are having sex, don’t think you have to! I know the media—videos, magazines, music, movies, television—make sex seem cool and easy, your friends at school are talking about it, and you want to fit in and do it, too. But there’s no need to try and live up to all the images around you. There will be plenty of time to have sex, and plenty of time to get into a relationship. The more you know yourself, the better you’ll be at making decisions about whom you’ll want to be with. I know you may get lonely sometimes, but being alone is nothing to be afraid of. Learn to enjoy and embrace who you are and get to know yourself in the process.

  When I was younger I didn’t get with a lot of girls. Not that I didn’t want to, but I see now that may have saved me. Several of my homeys and both my sisters had kids when they were still in high school. I witnessed with my own eyes how having babies made their lives more difficult. Their lives stopped, they couldn’t hang out, they couldn’t afford a babysitter because they were broke; they just got bogged down with the responsibility of raising a child. Whether the pregnancies were accidental or something these kids decided to do, they tried their best, but some of them in today’s words would be considered “deadbeat parents” because they dumped their kids on their mothers, fathers, or even random neighbors so that they could still go clubbing, hang out, and be young.

  A lot of young guys are ready to make it happen, but they don’t have to worry about the same things as young women. The consequences are not the same. I know it can be tough for teenagers to do what someone my age is asking them to do, and ignoring your elders is what being a teenager is all about, right? But you should know that movies and TV don’t tell you the whole story, and someone in my position needs to keep it all the way real with you. There are too many girls in junior high and high school who are getting pregnant when they don’t even know anything about life or about themselves. Do you want “teen mom” or “teen dad” to be your story? I hope not. I had my first child when I was twenty-eight—when I was ready. At that point, the only thing I didn’t have in my life was a child, and it was the right time. A child shouldn’t be the thing that makes you start to grow up. If you’re young and are already having sex, stop! There are too many young guys out there making babies and you have to know that that doesn’t have to be your life.

  A young boy doesn’t have a clue how to be a father, and a young girl has no idea how to be a mother. Why? Because they’re kids. You may have been exposed to a lot and some of you may have raised yourself and that can make you feel mature and much older in spirit, but you’re young—period. So stop there and don’t convince yourself otherwise. I’ll never forget a conversation I had with a sixteen-year-old mother of two who told me why she was motivated to have children. She couldn’t keep a boyfriend, her parents had basically abandoned her, and she had nothing in her life that was consistent. She told me that whether she stayed with the baby daddy or not, her babies would never leave her side.

  But think about it: Have you ever seen a movie, a documentary, or anything on television where you see a teenager who has a kid and they’re happy? The reality is, these kids with kids are just stuck—at home, watching and caring and worrying about their child. It’s not that they don’t love their babies, but their futures are altered.

  You may have career goals and all kinds of plans that you are putting together, but with a child it won’t be about you anymore. Your decisions and your plans will always have to include that child. Every day. Do you really think your mother or father will feel like raising another child when they’ve already raised you? If you don’t have a father, mother, or grandparents, you’ll have to do it on your own. Are you really ready for a twenty-four-hour-a-day-seven-day-a-week baby?

  And here’s a harsh reality, ladies: More than likely this boy you decided to have sex with will be too young to be a father. Ask any single mother to tell you stories about how much shit she went through when she was pregnant, how she worries about money, and how she struggles to get the little youngsta—the baby daddy—to step up to the plate and do his part. You don’t want to deal with any of that at your age. You want to hang out, you want to stay in school and not drop out because you can’t bring your child to school with you. You want to have fun, you want to go to the mall, you want to be young. So be smart, be real smart, and stay far away from that madness! />
  Focus on your future and your goals and become whatever it is you imagine for yourself. Then, when you can hold yourself down and are in control of your life, you can make the choice to accept a partner and bring a new life into the world.

  If for whatever reason you end up having sex—let’s be real—you make sure to have that kid you’re having sex with put on a condom. Be the master of your environment and stay in control. Don’t occasionally have sex without a condom, because all it takes is one sexual moment that can create a child, and that very child will be with you for a lifetime, whether the boy you decided to have sex with is with you or not.

  Let’s be very clear, young ladies: There are a lot of older guys out there who get their kicks by sleeping with girls who are under eighteen. I want you to know that any man who is trying to have sex with an underage girl is a criminal—period, end of story. Some girls in junior high or high school are attracted to older guys because they claim that the guys in their schools are immature. I understand, because I was in high school and I remember girls saying that exact thing. But understand this: For whatever reason you may decide to become sexually active with an older man, you have to know these men are committing a crime. Because they’re older, they know more than you and they are able to manipulate your mind and emotions to get you to see things the way they want you to see them. I’m disgusted with older guys who want girls your age because you’re vulnerable and they take advantage of what you don’t know. They want to have sex with you and make you believe that they love you. Know yourself, get in control of your life, and do not let some older man come into your life and mess it all up. Just because you’re younger, doesn’t mean you can’t control your environment, your actions, or who comes into your life.

  And for the young guys out there: If you don’t have a father, start spending time with your friends’ fathers, or figure out who your favorite male teacher is, and ask him a lot of questions about life, about issues, situations, problems, or feelings—any thoughts you may have. Don’t be embarrassed to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind. There is no such thing as a dumb question. What may be dumb to you might actually give you clarity and closure on something that has been bouncing around in your head for a long time. I was lucky to find mentors around me, even though my dad wasn’t there. Those guys saved my life. I hope there is at least one person out there who can do the same for you. If I just so happen to be that one person, keep reading because I’ve got a lot to share with you.

  Chapter 1

  Child-Hood

  When I first met my mentor John Bryant, he told me, Most of who we are as adults is somehow directly connected to our childhood. I had to really sit with that one for a while and see if it was true for me. After I pondered on this and started making those connections, what I discovered blew me away. A lot of who I am—my habits, relationships, likes, dislikes, and motivations, the things I stand for and the way I see this world—are all connected to my childhood. Once I decided that I no longer wanted to carry those childhood burdens, my journey to get out of my own way began. They say that ignorance is bliss, but the clarity from knowing what I know has changed my life. I connected the burdens I was carrying to my childhood memories and vowed to disown it and let it all go.

  I can remember always thinking and imagining my life beyond where I was. I can remember sitting on the front porch in the hood at night looking at the stars and letting my thoughts run wild. Never did I once see or imagine being a star in any form of show business. I remember once thinking to myself that if there really was a God and he was hearing all the prayers from us throughout the hood, I hoped he’d somehow hear mine. Even back then something in me believed that there was a better life somewhere out there—I guess watching Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous played a small part in that thinking. I just had no clue how I was going find it or where to start.

  Throughout my childhood I was exposed to the most extreme levels of self-love and self-hate. I lived and witnessed it all—killings, gang violence, drive-by shootings, domestic abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, crack cocaine, heroin addicts using needles, prostitution, teen pregnancy, love, encouragement, sports, talent shows, good and bad teachers, hunger, poverty. It was a harsh reality. When I grew into my early teens, a wise man told me, Son, every lesson is a blessing but you will grow through what you go through. And boy did I go through some shit!

  A few months ago, I went back to the park in Watts where I first performed in public. I was back in my old hood at a memorial service for Tommy Jacquette, who had started the Watts Summer Festival. He had been the backbone of the community and my high school music teacher, Reggie Andrews, and Congresswoman Maxine Waters had asked me to be there and say a few words. I didn’t say no because I had reaped the benefits from what Mr. Jacquette had brought to the community. And so I went back to the park—to the exact same basketball gym and stage where I first performed at a Head Start Talent Show when I was fourteen. I didn’t get famous from that first public performance, but I did win, and that gave me the confidence to continue with my singing when my family had told me to shut up for being too loud around the house.

  At the memorial, I went onstage and started talking at the podium. I told the audience how people like myself were able to reap the benefits from the peace and harmony that Mr. Jacquette had tried his best to bring to the community. And then I said, “You know, I remember when…” and as I said those words I looked to my left and actually saw my younger self, next to me, like a vision. I hadn’t been on that stage in seventeen years. I’m taller now, so I was looking down at my old self, standing there, not moving, because I never moved when I sang at that first show. Back then I had been nervous as hell, so I just stood in one place and held my microphone while I sang. As I imagined my younger self standing there, so much was running through my mind: Look how much I’ve seen around the world. Look how much I’ve done, look how many places I’ve been, how many amazing people I’ve met, all of the movies I’ve been in and the albums I put out, the road and the tours I’ve been on, and it all started standing in this one place, right here. I started crying. I was a grown man having a meltdown in front of everybody. And when I finally got myself together, I thanked Reggie Andrews and Don Lee, the first person who had allowed me to be in that first talent show. I said, “I want to thank you for giving me permission to be great. You believed in me and I’ve been around the world and I’ve seen the greatest that life has to offer, and it all started right here, standing in this exact spot.” I was standing on the same stage but I was a different man—different than that fourteen-year-old Tyrese could have imagined. I don’t live in the hood now, but I’ll always be from the hood and I will never ever, ever not remember what I’ve been through. My journey and my perspective and what I was exposed to keep me real.

  My mother and father are from St. Louis, Missouri, the city where I was conceived as the youngest of four children. My oldest sister has a different father, and my second sister and my older brother have the same mother and father as me. Since then, my father had another son and daughter.

  My father is a singer, but he never really got anything off the ground. He’s a wanderer and a dreamer, an artist always searching for his next break. One day, he decided that his dream would come true in Los Angeles, so he moved the family out west. A few months after they arrived I was born in a city called Watts in South Central Los Angeles, at Martin Luther King, Jr. General Hospital.

  My mother always told me that I was a hyper kid. Looking back, I think it’s because we moved around so much and never really settled down in one place, but it’s just the way I am.

  When I was really young, we lived in an area south of Watts near Washington Boulevard, a bit removed from the real nitty-gritty of South Central, Compton, and Watts. Money was tight, and my dad wasn’t there most of the time. He seemed to be gone more than he was there and I was too young to understand why he would stay with us for weeks at a time and then disappear. He woul
d come back every so often, but even when he was there, before he left for good, I witnessed a lot of what no kid should be exposed to.

  When my brother and sisters and I were supposed to be asleep we could hear my mother and father physically fighting in their room, calling each other every name in the book. Being exposed to the friction and negative energy of their relationship is how what I considered “love” started to take its effect on me. One would assume that because we were young what they were doing didn’t impact us, but it did in a major way. Hearing and seeing my dad treating my mother like nothing, cursing her out, and beating her whenever the moment presented itself, made me believe that’s what love was. At some point their marriage came to a halt and my mother seemed lost and alone. Pops would come around here and there, but we all pretty much knew it was over between my mother and father.

  It was during this time that I feel like my mother’s love for me and our whole family was the strongest. She was beautiful, and still is, in my eyes. If you want to know where I got my smile, look no farther than my mama. She kept her long, flowing hair in French braids that made her look youthful, energetic, and alive.