How to Get Out of Your Own Way Read online

  It’s all part of a cycle. As you reprogram your mind to get rid of the negative spirit you’ll feel better and look better. You create the reality you want for your life, and taking care of your body will only help you love yourself more.

  Your Home Reflects Your Spirit

  You are a direct reflection of your thoughts and spirit, and that includes the way you live because your home is an extension of you. So if you look the way you think of yourself, the same goes for your house, your car, and all your personal possessions.

  When you walk into somebody’s house, you’re technically walking inside of that person’s thoughts. You’re seeing their idea of how they view themselves. If your house or room is dirty and smells like shit, then that says a lot about what you think of yourself.

  Some people claim they would take better care of their car if it were nicer or more expensive, but they don’t have a more expensive car. You should take better care of what you have, no matter how much it costs. Everything has value especially if it’s yours, if you worked hard to earn the money to pay for it. I’ve been in some really nice houses in the hood that are clean and have nicely mowed front yard lines. Some of the people who live in these homes may be struggling financially, but they think better of themselves and are making the best of their bad circumstances. They value their possessions and treat them well. At the end of the day, it’s the mind-set of the people living in the house that creates the mess. A person’s location could change, but if their mind-set stays the same, so will the results. It doesn’t matter what your point of navigation is, what city, state, or country you move to; if you’ve got ghetto or dysfunctional or dirty habits, they’re going to follow you wherever you are. You can take folks out of the hood but you can’t take the hood out of them. If you bring your drama and your negativity to a beautiful new house, it will look more disgusting than some of the worst homes in Watts.

  Some of your homes are nasty. I want you to clean your house, your car, your workspace, or any other place you spend time. Clearing the clutter and getting rid of the garbage is a physical way to rid yourself of your negative spirit. If your stove is black, if you have dishes piled on top of each other in the sink, if you haven’t cleaned out your closet or opened your blinds in years, if it’s been too long since you washed your car and you’ve got garbage strewn everywhere, then you must not think you deserve anything nice in your life. Why won’t you clean your home because you value it and want to keep it nice?

  Now, it’s possible that you have a more positive spirit and you’re just messy. This may be a reflection of your childhood environment because who we are as adults is somehow connected to who we were as kids. You should decide if you want to break the messy habits that the person who raised you may have instilled in you.

  This is a note for you parents out there: Don’t assume your kids are too young to be affected by your choices. The way you live, how clean you keep your home, the men and women you invite to be around will impact your children. It’s real easy to assume that because they’re young they don’t know what’s happening, but they do. You’re planting seeds early in their life, telling them that it’s okay to live in filth. Most adults have a bad habit of living their lives by the idea of Do as I say, not as I do, but kids just learn to do even if it seems like they don’t pay attention to what you say.

  Let me be clear: I want to activate self-love for you instead of doing these things and making adjustments for other people. You have to want to do these things on your own behalf. You represent your thoughts. Why did you decide to clean your place before company came over, when that wasn’t the way your place was at first? Stop performing. Do it when no one is looking. Clean up your space and do it for you.

  You create the reality you want for yourself. If you want to love yourself more, you’ve got to take care of the home front. Clean up a little bit and when you do, it will make such a big difference in your life, environment, and spirit—I promise you.

  What Is Your Bottom Line?

  Once you’ve started to reprogram your mind, you can set your bottom line without any of the negativity clouding your judgment. You can figure out what you want for yourself and how you want to be treated in a clearer way. It’s important to set a bottom line because it will help you control how much dysfunction and negativity you allow into your life.

  A bottom line is a personal boundary that you will not allow yourself or other people in your life to cross. If you’re complaining about your life, ask yourself, What is my bottom line? If you don’t have one, someone will always cross it and if you don’t love yourself enough, you’re going to let them do it. If you love yourself enough to know what your bottom line is, you’re going to have a clearer picture of what you’re willing to tolerate and how you want to be treated.

  My motivation to work hard and want more for myself came from my lowest point, when I said, I’m done with being broke and hungry. Done with this lifestyle, being in the hood, putting my life on the line every day. This ain’t it. I’m disgusted with the whole situation. Looking back on it, I can see that I was establishing a bottom line that I knew I could never cross again. Even though I did have some good times in the hood, what made it so easy to draw my bottom line was everything else that came with living there. There are things about the hood that I had no control over, especially as a kid. So I made my choice, and I had to get out. I wanted better and recognized that if I really had a problem with my life, then I had to do something.

  You can set a bottom line for anything in your life, but it should always be in relation to how much you love yourself and how much you want for yourself. Set yourself up to be happier than you are now. How much are you willing to tolerate?

  Everyone’s bottom line is different. We’ve all been exposed to different experiences, so our tolerance for certain situations will vary from person to person. Only you can answer the question for yourself. What is the line that you refuse to cross?

  In order to answer this question truthfully, you should try to think of the most challenging situations of your life. Figure out which experiences were necessary and helped you grow, and which ones caused you nothing but grief, drama, stress, and heartache.

  Everyone has relationship issues. People are always going to argue. But what is your bottom line? Is it your partner disrespecting you—or worse? If you don’t stick to your bottom line, you’re not showing yourself the respect or self-love you deserve—and other people will walk all over you. If you had known what your bottom line was, you would be more aware of your personal boundaries. Whether you have tough skin or not, everyone should have a bottom line.

  From this point forward, I want you to keep an eye out for any new dysfunction that tries to work its way into your life and bottom-line it right away. Perhaps you’re spending too much money, or not spending enough time with your family. Maybe you’re not going to church, or a friend or coworker is taking advantage of you. Whatever it is, relate that particular scenario to your new bottom line, and react accordingly. Don’t allow friends or family to redefine your bottom line, because they are not the ones who have to live with the consequences.

  I can sometimes make people uncomfortable with my bottom line now because I know what I’m willing to put up with. When you have a bottom line, you don’t have to open yourself up to have a conversation about it. You don’t need to announce what your bottom line is; it’s something people could just experience when you set your own standards. Are you always going to be a pushover, someone who lies there while others drive over you?

  For a very long time I was uncomfortable telling people what I was really feeling and thinking, because I was afraid they would judge me. Even if I was in a room with five or six people and wanted to have a one-on-one private meeting I felt too uncomfortable making the simple request that others step out of the room. I was so self-conscious that people would think negatively about me and I ended up being the victim in my own environment. If you’re not comfortable in your own
skin, or not bold enough in your truth, you will always be on the receiving end of everybody’s personalities.

  I decided forever ago to not be a pushover. I now live by the words “You should always expect the things that you accept.” This applies to both people and situations. Meaning, if you accept that somebody treats you or talks to you in a disrespectful way, then you should always expect them to keep doing it. But if you nip that in the bud, they won’t do it anymore because you will have established your bottom line and clearly made it unacceptable for them to treat you that way again. I decided that I would no longer accept certain behavior. My environment is so much more comfortable now because I am able to control it.

  You have to understand yourself and the situations you find yourself in, and ask yourself if they fit with your goals and what you want for yourself. If they’re not, then consider what your bottom line is. How much are you willing to put up with? Whatever it is, is it worth it? Is the outcome going to justify your struggle? Will the ends justify the means? Only you can answer that question, and if the answer is no, then stop complaining about it and start fixing it.

  Once you set your bottom line, try to never waver from it. You’ll be able to see things so much clearer and you’ll be more in control. If you love yourself enough, then everything and everyone will come into perspective. Your bottom line will help keep out the negative spirit.

  You Are Pregnant with the New You

  I’ve been prompting you to make a choice. That choice is you. Do you love yourself enough to want better? You may have a lot of challenges in your life right now and it can be scary to realize that you have a lot to fix and a lot to change. You may not love yourself enough yet but I know you can get there. You’re in the middle of a war, going through all this stuff, but you can’t give up! Let me share something with you that my mentor John Bryant said to me once: You’re pregnant with the new you.

  Now, it might sound strange, but he was right. He told me this seven or eight years ago when I was going through some difficult growing pains in business and in my personal life. I was in Philly for a show and had a bunch of interviews and in-store autograph signings lined up. I was miserable because I had a lot going on, and I was complaining because I was exhausted. After listening to me for an hour, John said, “Tyrese, are you done?” When I said yes, he told me, “You know what you’re going through right now? You’re pregnant.”

  “What do you mean, I’m pregnant? I’m not pregnant!”

  “You’re pregnant with the new you.” He explained that just like any mother who is pregnant, there are cramps, there are complications, there’s discomfort. I had something growing inside me and like women who are pregnant I didn’t anticipate all the issues that arise when you make significant changes in your life.

  And then he told me that having an abortion of the new me was not an option. What John told me that day has stayed with me ever since and I think about it when I’m going through a tough time, because I see every lesson as a blessing. What he told me made me realize that everything I was going through in my life was for a reason: I was working on my career and my life, on my way to becoming the man I wanted to be.

  I want you to love yourself more because I want you to go out and accomplish everything you have ever wanted for yourself. I want you to want more for yourself. There is nothing I’ve been able to accomplish that you can’t. But you just have to try!

  I want to encourage you to get back into the things you loved to do, and further educate yourselves on the things you’re passionate about. I know that kids, weight gain, marriage, divorce, and life’s responsibilities can distract you from the goals you’ve always wanted to accomplish. If you got off track, remember that the track is still there. Respark your mission, get back on that track, and get it going.

  You have to reprogram your spirit so that you can get to that better place you know you deserve. Remember, it’s all about the hustle. Don’t stay at home waiting for the opportunities to knock at your door. I decided I loved myself and you can, too. You have the power and you have more to offer than you imagine. You just have to believe it.

  Chapter 3

  Are You the Master of Your Environment?

  Are you the master of your environment? The simple answer is YES, we all are. As the master of your environment you are responsible for the reality you create in life, relationships, work, and school. You are responsible for how people perceive you.

  The question is, What kind of master are you? How are you controlling your environment? What kind of control do you have? Are you acting with enough self-love and positive energy? As I said earlier, what you do with your life is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you love yourself better, you are going to want better. Once you get rid of the negative spirit, you will be more capable of controlling your environment because you’ll know your actions are coming from a more positive place.

  I hope to make you more aware of your actions and how you control your environment. Sometimes we’re not fully in control and allow other factors to affect the kind of master we are. You may not own your actions and may be acting on a subconscious level, and that will prevent you from succeeding and becoming a true master of your environment. I struggled with this even after I became successful.

  At different times in our life we all need a wake-up call to open our eyes and understand our actions. Let me tell you how I learned this myself.

  Becoming the Master of Your Environment: What Kind of Master Are You?

  I have always sought advice from people I admired and wanted to be more like. Seeking guidance, hustling, and reaching out have served me well in life. Sometimes people give you advice that really opens your eyes and shows you how you need to change. Will Smith did that for me. I had to become a better master of my environment and take control of my identity but in order to even know I had to do that, I had to hear some of the worst things about myself from one of the biggest stars in Hollywood.

  Like Angie, Mr. Charlie, Gayle Atkins, and Reggie Andrews, Will Smith opened my eyes and showed me a better version of what I could be. When I first started talking with Will, I was almost thirty, I was married, and I had a baby girl, Shayla. I was still working hard, but until I hooked up with Will, I had no idea that I was on the path to destroying my career.

  I had started my career in music but I was lucky enough to get into films. Hollywood and the music industry are different worlds, with different kinds of responsibilities. In a way, recording artists are allowed to be more arrogant and egotistical and get away with it because everything is solely about them and for them. When you’re a recording artist, it’s about your video, it’s about your singing. You’re not always working on a project like “We Are the World,” where there are forty different people performing on the track. Movies and music are two different realities, so when you’re coming from that mind-set like I was, where it’s normally all about you and doing your thing, you become desensitized to the fact that the things you say and do have an effect on your work environment and the people you work with. You are the sun, and everything else revolves around you.

  Once I had broken into films, I felt like I had made it: I was making a lot of money, the phone was still ringing, and when I went onstage to perform, everybody was still screaming my name. I was too comfortable, I was starring in movies—it was all still happening.

  But I was lazy and complacent. I wasn’t working to maintain the blessings. I had put on a load of weight before I filmed Waist Deep but I didn’t do anything about it. I was the star of the film, I was number one on the call sheet, but I was as big as a house, eating my life away. I had gotten to a point where I didn’t care about the way the world saw me. I felt big, I didn’t like the way I felt, but there was something in me that didn’t stop me from eating or sabotaging my life. I was not fully aware of what I was doing to myself and my career.

  Most of you who have seen the movie Waist Deep are probably thinking, What the hell are you talk
ing about, Tyrese? You looked just fine. But I know I could have been in better shape. And when you know it, it doesn’t really matter what anybody else feels. It’s about you knowing that you weren’t at your best. I should have been forty pounds lighter, shredded, in shape, and looking to take advantage of every opportunity that came from starring in a movie, while looking my best. That wasn’t my best.

  I was around two hundred and fifty pounds, and in the movie, the director wanted me to wear a tank top in a scene where I would be running up a street, chasing a car that was driving away with my son. When I was on set and we were filming that scene, I couldn’t help but think about Will Smith’s amazing scene in Bad Boys, where he’s running with his shirt open, shooting his gun as cars explode all around him. That particular shot right there was a huge action moment and one of the scenes that made Will Smith the A-list star that he is, because it was just so well done. So while we were filming Waist Deep I was thinking a lot about that scene. I knew I didn’t quite look as good as I should have. In Bad Boys, Will Smith was acting like he was tired at the end of the scene, but I was really tired as I ran up the street, because I was just so big. Still, I didn’t do anything about it because no matter how bad I looked, checks were still getting cut, people were still calling and wanting me to be in their movies. I’ve learned that in Hollywood there is no sense of consequence.