How to Get Out of Your Own Way Read online

  On the set of a couple of movies that I shot a few months later, I was not really owning the craft or taking it seriously. I was lazy and unprofessional and wasn’t on point. I was showing up late sometimes to the set, talking on my Sidekick during filming, and I was totally out of shape and didn’t care that I was out of shape. I was too loud, cracking jokes while other people were trying to get in character and focus on their scenes. These were career-making movies, so what the hell was I doing? If anybody had just said to me Tyrese, what you’re doing is wrong, then it would have stopped, but no one ever said anything, because in Hollywood, not many people are willing to say how they really feel because they’re afraid of getting fired. The mind-set is, Don’t piss off the stars, so I was on these film sets and people were talking about me, complaining about my behavior, and I didn’t know it. I was destroying my reputation and nobody was saying anything to me about it.

  I didn’t realize anything was wrong until I met up with Will Smith. I had always liked to seek advice and I knew I needed some great advice at that point. I had sensed something was wrong but I wasn’t fully sure what it was. I told Charlie Mack, a mutual friend of ours, that I wanted to set up a time to chop it up with Will, and Charlie made it happen. He had known Will for about thirty years and through him I had run into Will many times, but this particular moment and this conversation we had shook me up—it was like my whole world caved in.

  Will and I talked for hours—about three or four hours in a row. As I spoke my truth and put it all on the table, going into detail about how I was acting, what people were saying, what I was doing, Will just kept breaking it all down, dropping advice on me, painting the picture of how I was messing up and explaining why I had been getting the kind of responses I was getting.

  It was only when I had this conversation with Will that it was made so clear to me that it was me, that with my attitude I was the one who had planted those negative seeds. Will made me aware that I shouldn’t have been complaining about press issues when I was not able to say that I was the best version of me in these movies. He told me, You weren’t the best version of Tyrese, so none of that matters. I was showing up on set with top-notch directors, much heavier than I could have been, so what was I thinking? No matter what level you get to in your life and career you can always do better, so you have to stay sharp.

  I probably got up from the table about ten times during the course of the conversation, screaming, “I never thought about it like that!” I was really tripping about the things he was saying to me and the way he was breaking it down and making it so clear to me that I had been killing my career. If I hadn’t had that conversation with Will, then my outlook and my focus and the way I’ve been doing things would have totally killed me, and no one would have said anything. They would have just sat back and watched me do it.

  Will explained that in any professional environment, and especially in Hollywood, it’s all about survival. He said—and I’m paraphrasing here—“Tyrese, let me explain something: Everyone that works on a movie set is on one mission and one mission only: to feed their families. That’s what they want to do. They may love what they do but they show up every single day and work their asses off to feed their families. Nobody’s going through all of that for no reason. So technically speaking, when you’re showing up lazy, out of shape, and unfocused, you have decided that you don’t care if people feed their families. And when you get in the way of someone feeding their families, they’re going to get in the way of you feeding your family.”

  Will understood that I had grown up in the music industry. He had to spell it out that when you’re in movies, everything you do, your behavior, and your flaws, affects everybody involved with a film. When you get on a movie set, especially in Hollywood, the main focus tends to be the producers, the director, the stars—the “important” folks, so to speak—but after speaking to Will, I realized the value in everyone else who’s on the set. I was not going to be the reason on any level that anyone on a movie set couldn’t feed their family. I wasn’t going to do that. And that’s where it all changed.

  It was like a train crashed into me because I literally started seeing most of the things Will made me aware of. I understood how I had affected people’s reactions to me. I was not proud of it. I really hate working backward, I hated knowing that I had pissed people off and now had to fix things, which is so much harder than getting it right the first time. But knowing what I know, I’ve got to get it right the first time.

  Will also told me about what happened when he watched Waist Deep with his wife, Jada. They were at home, and Will was enjoying some ice cream. When they got to the scene where I was running up the street in that tank top—the scene that to me had been an homage to Bad Boys—Jada looked at Will, he looked at her, she looked down at the ice cream and then looked back up at him. Will got up, put down the ice cream, paused the movie, and went and ran five miles. When Will told me that, I got up from the table and screamed. I had him in mind when I shot that scene, remembering how cool Will looked in Bad Boys… and Will had watched Waist Deep and was so disgusted at how big I was that he went and ran five miles to make sure that he never let himself go like I had. He laughed so hard when I told him, but that was a humbling moment for me.

  That one conversation really created the beast in me. Will’s advice and the information he gave me completely changed my outlook on life. He educated me on the way other people see things and our conversation made me change everything that I was doing. That night he also told me something that became central to my life—that you can often tell how far your life and career will go based on the five people you spend the most time with—and we’ll discuss that in depth later.

  I wasn’t only impacted by what Will said because of how my actions had affected or bothered other people. I was impacted because I had a new bottom line: my daughter. I was not going to kill my career and I was going to do anything I needed to do, because I wasn’t willing to tell my daughter that I could not give her the life or education she deserved. There was no way I was going to do that.

  The fact that I now knew these things elevated me to a whole other level. At that point I could no longer say I didn’t know any better. I had to take control of my identity. I was the master of my environment but as a master I needed an overhaul.

  You Control Your Identity

  Until you have a conversation with a person who can really make you aware of what you’re doing wrong—the way you’re acting, how you’re coming off and affecting people with what you’re doing—most people like me will have no clue. You’re just showing up and you’re just being whoever you are. Most people don’t want to know the truth about their actions, but you’ve got to welcome it. Even if there’s not an actual altercation or confrontation that makes people tell you the truth you have to ask them, Will you be honest with me? Is there anything that you want to make me aware of? Is there anything you think I should be doing differently from what I’m doing? Most people will tell you you’re fine and you can only hope they’re really saying what’s on their mind, but at least you planted the seed that you’re welcoming the truth. You should make every effort to find people who will tell you the truth. When you’ve got people in your circle who believe in you, they will be willing to tell you the truth.

  I saw the error of my ways and took control of my image and my identity. I worked hard to change the way people think of me, and it all happened from that conversation with Will. You can either run around complaining, bitching and moaning, and blaming other people for what’s going wrong, or you can decide to hear the truth and get in front of it.

  I laced up my boots and got out there and started making changes right away. I was with Will on the set of one of his movies, training with him, running five miles a day. My diet was so strict it was crazy, my focus and level of execution was on a whole other level. I started seeing the effects of my changes with my own eyes.

  The effort wasn’t just about showing goodwill tow
ard the people I worked with; it was also about getting in front of my image and how people perceived me. I controlled my body and got in shape and began to control the reality of my life.

  When I arrived on the set of my next movie, I made sure that my professionalism, my focus, and my level of execution were the complete opposite of what they had been before. I was on a different level. I was training on set every day and there was all this great energy. It was like no one recognized me. Everyone called Will to tell him what a great difference he had made, because they knew he had taken me under his wing and was mentoring me.

  Take control of your identity. You have more control of the way people think of you than you would like to believe. What do you want people to think of you? You are the master of your environment and you create the reality of whatever you want people to think of you. You have to be aware of how you create that perception because people respond to what they see, whether it’s how you look or how you act.

  Even though my conversation with Will was specifically about Hollywood, his advice was viral; I took that information and used it in my music career and in other parts of my life. People are just trying to feed their families, so show up. What you’re doing in this world has an effect on people and the outcome of their survival and your survival. You may be the master of your environment but how are you affecting other people’s environments? What kind of environment are you creating?

  I became incredibly conscious of how I was running my business. I have never limited myself to what I know or what I’m comfortable with and if I had allowed my ego to convince me that I knew it all, I would have killed everything I was trying to grow. I never make anybody who works with me feel uncomfortable about telling me the truth. I consider my business a ship and I have to keep it afloat. If your ship is about to go down like the Titanic, you have to ask, What type of ship is the captain running? Does he make the people who work on his ship uncomfortable with telling him something that he needs to know? If we’re about to hit an iceberg and none of my employees is willing to come up here and give me that valuable piece of information because they think it’s going to be a reflection of their incompetence and that they are going to get fired, then we’re really going to drown. You may have dropped the ball and made a mistake, but if you’re uncomfortable or afraid of making your boss aware of something that’s going wrong, we’re all going down, because no one will know they have to fix it. I have tried to create an environment in my office where I want everyone to feel comfortable telling me the truth so we can maintain the blessings of keeping the Tyrese ship—which includes everybody in my life and everybody in their lives—on board. We can all survive, we can all keep eating, we can all flourish and keep it together.

  I am really close to an entertainer whose business was going down like the Titanic. On one pivotal night, he discovered that one of his productions had not been properly marketed or promoted, so the show wasn’t sold out. He was especially pissed that his people told him this on the day of the show. The same night he found out, we were sitting in his dressing room and he told me how he would have fixed it. He said, “All they had to do was tell me that the show wasn’t sold out. I would have canceled it or come into town three or four days earlier to do some radio, or had the promoter spend more marketing money to amp up awareness of the show.” I had to pick the right time to say this to him, but I was thinking that more than likely his people were afraid of him, which is why they never said anything. I love this guy but I also knew his reputation: He was known for firing people and making his employees feel uncomfortable, and in these trying times, no one wants to be out of a job. I set him down and said, “You may want to consider that you’re making the people on your team uncomfortable with telling you the truth about everything that is going on with your business.” He heard what I was saying and took it to heart.

  Soon after, he took his entire staff of thirty out to dinner and let the drinks flow. He got them a little drunk so that they would feel comfortable enough to tell him what they were really thinking and feeling. He told them he loved them and that he wasn’t going to fire any of them but that they needed to start telling him what was really going on. Some people really unleashed on him and let him have it and other people were more reserved, but he learned so much and the conversation completely changed the dynamics of his business. He called me a week later to make me aware that I had inspired him to speak with his staff. From that point on, his productions continued to sell out. Hearing the truth, opening up their communication, and being open to honesty made all the difference in the world for his business. Remember: The worst boss is a blind boss who is unaware of most of the important inner dealings of his or her business.

  Some people would be better off blind because they don’t want to see the reality of life. That’s not me. Will opened my eyes and showed me the truth of where I was. I want you to open your eyes and see that you can make changes and take things to another level. You are responsible for being the master of your environment and you can create a new perception of yourself and be a more aware master of your environment.

  Breaking the Cycle: Are You a Master or a Monster?

  I channeled everything that Will and I talked about, and the advice he gave me really shook up every aspect of my life. Most of the changes I made had to do with people I did business with. I understood how complacent I had been in my work and started to get in front of my professional image, but I also needed to look at my personal relationships. Will had given me the book called As a Man Thinketh by James Allen and reading it hit me like another train. As soon as I finished reading it, I ran eighteen miles. The title comes from the proverb, As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he and I knew I had to start looking at what was going on in my heart. My ex-wife and I were fighting a lot and I wanted clarity on everything I was going through at the time.

  Just as our homes and how we look are a reflection of our thoughts and how much we love ourselves, we are a reflection of the environment we grew up in. To become better masters of our environment we have to understand our environment—the one we come from and the one we’re currently in.

  Most of us don’t recognize that who we are as adults is directly connected to what we were exposed to as kids. We can’t break the cycle and truly get in control of our environment if we’re not conscious of the fact that we may be doing the same thing our mothers and fathers did.

  I knew that I was a reflection of my environment: When I was younger, my environment had created the monster in me. After I started going to the private behavioral school, I had become more violent—fighting and acting crazy—compared to what I had been before. But once I left that school and went to Locke High School, I was minding my p’s and q’s. I wasn’t the bad kid they had led me to believe. But I realized I wasn’t only a reflection of the schools I attended. I was a reflection of my childhood as a whole.

  Growing up, I had been exposed to images of verbal, physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse and condescending and vindictive arguments and behavior. If you grew up around negativity like that, you may find yourself duplicating what you were exposed to, or you can specifically decide to break the cycle and not be like that. A lot of us don’t even know that what we’re doing or thinking is wrong because these were the images that we were used to so it’s not different or strange—it’s normal. This is not meant to sound like an excuse for any of my actions. I had already broken one cycle—I don’t drink or smoke because drugs and alcohol messed up my childhood—and once I read As a Man Thinketh I realized I had to break another negative cycle.

  I used to be attracted to dysfunctional people. It wasn’t something I was conscious or aware of. I discovered the pattern that, without my even knowing, if I was in a relationship, and my girlfriend didn’t cry or get emotional or if she wasn’t willing to argue, I figured she clearly did not love me. It was impossible for her to make me believe that she felt a certain way about me if she was not reacting to my pushing her buttons. I was
connecting dysfunction to love because that’s what I had been exposed to.

  Growing up, the word “I” was never in front of the words “love you.” I heard Love you! but nothing about the actions really represented the word “love,” in my opinion. So I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. How could I show real love when my interpretation of love throughout my childhood was dysfunctional?

  I would think, There is a problem but we don’t know how to fix it. There was something going on in my relationships that was unhealthy and dysfunctional but I didn’t know what to say or what to do to make it better. What is it in me? That is a question I asked myself when I was with women who talked to me in a disrespectful, condescending, and evil tone that made me react and get angry. I would say to myself, What part of me as a man made her feel comfortable talking to me that way? What do I say to make her stop talking to me this way? At what point in our relationship did she say I could talk to her any way that I wanted? What part of the game is this? I was addicted to dysfunction, because I was dysfunctional. I just wasn’t conscious of it.

  Many people love dysfunction. They get challenged by it, they’re intrigued by it, they love arguing, and it just does something for them and so they will create drama where there is none. I used to start arguments when things were too peaceful, just to argue, just to get back to that familiar feeling. I would ask myself, Why am I arguing, why am I starting this? But I couldn’t help it.

  It is very scary—and I am putting all the emphasis on it in the world—to be duplicating images and the actions from your childhood and the things you were exposed to and not even be conscious of it. There was a point when my ex-wife and I were arguing and I realized, Oh my God, this is exactly what was happening twenty years ago. When I saw our child reacting to how her mother and I were yelling, all of a sudden I could see what was going on. I couldn’t assume she was too young to understand what was going on because I knew what was going on when I was younger. And the question was, Will she become acclimated to this? Will she just get used to it and think it’s normal? If it becomes normal for her, when she starts dating, she’ll begin to look for a duplicate of her father in her man and she will look for a guy who will scream and yell at her, because she will think that screaming and yelling during arguments is normal because that’s what she grew up around.